The primary identifying factor of co-dependency is that the co-dependent tends to take care of with a great amount of attention everyone around them; feelings, actions, words, everything and they neglect themselves. The co-dependent is a reactive individual instead of acting for him self or herself. The Co-dependent Personality Disorder is characterized by a dysfunctional relationship with others including one self. This individual is living through someone else or for someone else and not for himself or herself. They are controlling and will blame others instead of taking responsibility and live in a state of victimization while trying to fix others and they will exhibit intense anxiety when it comes to intimacy.

Co-dependency is quite common in those who come from dysfunctional families as well as children whose parents were alcoholics and/or addicts. Many treatment centers for chemical dependency also offer treatment for this disorder as well. Depression, anxiety, dysfunctional relationships and a high/low activity level are common in co-dependents. As with many depressive disorders there are physical symptoms that may arise such as: stomach problems, migraines, general malaise and skin problems. Some common characteristics:

Anxiety

Always having to take care of others at the expense of your self

Unable to trust your own feelings

Feelings of guilt for never being able to do enough

Depression

Isolation

Workaholic

Perfectionism

No clear boundaries

Low self-esteem – seeks approval in others

Unable to take responsibility for own actions

Unable to sustain or maintain relationships

Over-reacting to circumstances

Acts impulsively

Resentment of those in authority

Fear of anger

Does not take criticism well

Needs lots of drama in their lives

Confusion between love and pity

Tendency to look for “victims” to help

Rigidity and need to control

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

The co-dependent personality is often a rescuer constantly trying to save others from the consequences they are about to face. They will go to great lengths to do this in so far as giving them money and lying for them if they think they are helping them. Of course this type of rescuing only serves to keep the dysfunctional individual in that state thus enabling the person they are rescuing to continue making the poor choices that they are experiencing. The co-dependent individual is a controller and will do so by whatever means works best. The intentions of the co-dependent are well founded they are only executed in the wrong fashion. The co-dependent needs to learn that there is only one person in this world that any of us can control would be ourselves. Once the co-dependent comes to this understanding they will then be able to help the dysfunctional people in their lives start to take responsibility for their own actions.

The codependent’s recovery is simple to state. But it takes time and effort to achieve. The prime objective in healing is to learn to take good care of yourself and do not worry about how the others are going to get along. It is important for the co-dependent to get in touch with their own feelings and actions and become detached from needing to involve themselves in the affairs of the other person. To learn to love one self and to take responsibility for attending to one’s own needs. Detachment means using the energy for yourself and your needs instead of using it on others and neglecting yourself. Understanding your boundaries and let others know what they are as well is very important in the healing process of the co-dependent.

Giving of your love, energy, emotions and person to a dysfunctional person is draining and can have a long lasting affect on your life even after that individual is gone. Part of the healing process is to be able to let go of the pain and then learn how to make your life happy. To learn to use all the energy you once did for the dysfunctional individual and now use that for yourself. Some signs of co-dependency:

• Feeling responsible for others
• Feeling compelled to solve others problems
• Trying to take care of others feelings
• Anger at injustices done to others and disregard injustices done to yourself
• Feeling safe only when you are giving or doing for others
• Feelings of guilt when some gives to you
• Low self-esteem unless you are taking care of someone else
• Constantly talking, thinking and worrying
• Not interested in your own romantic life
• Accept abuse so as not to be alone
• Unable to break the pattern of bad relationships

If you have answered yes to more than 3 of these you could be codependent. There are many ways to help one self. Many good books are available today that help build boundaries and self esteem. Contact your local Twelve Step programs and they can direct you to the services that will best meet your needs. Other resources include counseling and workshops to help you maintain and define boundaries.

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